The Dirt Gospel

 

Every time I open Facebook I am bombarded wth memes of scriptures telling me to hold on and have faith, with nice images with phrases of how great our God is and how even in amidst the storms He will save us. Well you know what I am going to say Bullshit on all of that!!!! You can sit down I don’t think it means I’m going to hell.

You see all we get from everyone on facebook is this stained glass window version of who God is and how awesome He is etc etc etc, but you never get the dirt gospel– I call it that because you have to get so low and feel so shit that you are on your hands and knees begging for some relief, you’ve got dirt under your nails and sweat dripping of you like it’s 40 deg. That’s when the dirt gospel is needed most not some pretty meme that shows someone at a waterfall with arms stretched out wide praising this lightly beautiful God.

The dirt gospel is an image of someone slumped in a corner with a needle hanging out of their arm, someone puking in the bushes after another night getting wasted, a teenage girl in her room cutting herself because she feels so unclean and unloved after what her boyfriend made her do. And these memes wouldn’t have some cliche scripture but a simple “I love you!”. I’m not saying I don’t advocate Scripture and the power it has at all, I believe fully in its power and the strength it can give us, however when you are in the dirt and facing a life that you don’t even want to live anymore because all you can see is the same things you’ve been doing over and over again- you can’t see the light or how things are going to change to bring you to a place of peace. Scriptures at these times or cliche memes don’t help!! What really helps fuck I don’t know!

Written at 2am outside Emergency waiting for s/h treatment in 2016, feeling triggered, frustrated, alone and no where to turn — so I did a really smart thing and turned to Facebook LOL! Almost a year later I responded to my answers……

What Helps?

To know that no where is beyond God, to know that his “I love you” is one full of acceptance, respect and delight in you!!

Where you see pain, he sees healing,

where you see judgment, he sees forgiveness,

where you see a life not worth living, he sees a child made in his image and surrounded by his grace.
His “I love you” says I’m here with you, I hear you and see your pain, he is right in the dirt with you, sweat dripping off his brow. His ‘I love you‘ says no matter what you’ve done I love you, no matter how bad, guilty, shameful or unworthy you feel I love you!

My love can fill you — if you will allow it…. my grace can cover you—- if you can forgive yourself, as I have forgiven you and accept it! I love you period.

Kehah (Heaviness) charcoal on paper A4 size

 

How it began cont.

This is the introduction of the first artist book titled ‘Ephphatha’, which is Greek for ‘Be Opened’. We did  a set of three, over time I will share the other artist books with you all. Enjoy!

Dear Reader,

My name is Angel and I am one of Ruth’s parts that live in her head. She has D.I.D and there are many of us that you will meet as you turn the pages in this book. D.I.D Stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder and was created because Ruth (and all of us) suffered severe trauma, abuse and neglect at a young age. Some of Ruth’s parts were created by her mind to help her cope and take away the memories, others were created by the ‘lodge’ and programmed to be seperate from Ruth to do certain jobs and respond certain ways. All of us are now aware of each other and the whole system, that we refer to as the ‘heard’ and Ruth is finally free from any abuse from the ‘lodge’.

We have chosen Elephants to represent ourselves in this book for a few reasons. Elephants are Grand Majestic creatures and are known for their memories. Unfortunately D.I.D survivors like Ruth are kept in the dark for so long because of the denial and the memory loss that comes from dissociation.

Elephants are peaceful animals but are also very protective and powerful. We all in Ruth’s system have used this analogy to help us all feel more powerful, and start to become more and more like a family. Elephants move in herds of families, but when there is a young baby in the herd it is hard to know who the mother is, as every adult elephant is just as protective of the young as the mother. We have a lot of young parts in our system that need this protection and this book has helped us all feel stronger, to be able to provide this to all in our ‘Heard’.

I hope you enjoy reading our book.

Angel.

P.S Disclaimer with the photo’s – They were not original images we took just stock photos from the internet the parts chose to represent themselves the way they needed to. We do not know the original artists or who took the photos, when the original artist is know we will always acknowledge them. The medium we have used is charcoal on paper, the size is A4.

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How it all began!!!

I am a 30+ year old woman, who discovered after many wrong diagnosis that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder. This diagnosis has stuck with me since 2013 and I have not stopped trying to understand for me what this means. I am very blessed to have a really good Therapist and Psychiatrist that since starting with them 18 months ago have helped me understand so much about who is apart of my ‘heard’ and what their prospective roles were/and some still are.

Last year we presented at a mental health night with three other participants, expressing in our own individual ways, how we better help our mental health. As I am an artist this is what we displayed and talked about. Our ‘Heard’ has such a drive to be herd not just by myself but also by others out their, either who have experiences of D.I.D, trauma, CPTSD or any other mental health diagnosis, but also from those that work in the field. We have been tossed and thrown around the public system for many years and there is so little knowledge about our condition, that we all feel it is time to step up and educate, encourage and motivate others to be HEARD!